Kevin Basil
Conversation I Wish For
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I wish I could have a conversation like this with God:
“Kevin Basil, you’re not supposed to be married. I’ve been trying to tell you this by convincing every woman you try to make like you that you’re a good man, just not good enough.”
I scratch my head. “Other than being played by Morgan Freeman, how do I know you’re God?”
“Remember that issue you kept having with cars a few years ago? I was trying to tell you that you didn’t need a car. But you had that forty minute commute to Lexmark, and you were very persistent, so I just gave up. But I’m not giving up this time. If you keep trying, you’re going to marry a nag with no personality who’s supposed to be Brad Pitt’s sixth wife. You’ll be miserable. She’ll be miserable. Brad will be miserable. And the American church will lose out on its least charismatic, least capable bishop ever.”
“How do I know you’re God, again?” After a few seconds as a cockroach, God transforms me back into a man again. I prostrate myself before him and get on with learning how to live life permanently lonely.
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9 Responses to “Conversation I Wish For”
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Copyright © 2001-2007 Kevin Robert “Basil” Fritts. All rights reserved.
July 31st, 2006 at 12:27 pm
Basil, thank you for this… It would be so nice if things could be this clear.
I spent Saturday night and Sunday morning down in Nicholasville. Flipped through the scrap books in the Church office and was amazed by some of the photos from six or seven years ago. Wow, time flies.
Hope you’re doing well.
July 31st, 2006 at 4:19 pm
Good gosh, Basil, I realize you’re exaggerating but if you really think of yourself as a cockroach and the least charismatic capable potential bishop ever, no wonder the women think you’re not good enough!
This was a funny post, though.
On a totally unrelated topic, do you speak/read/write Latin? I need to know how to feminize the Coast Guard motto, Semper Paratus.
August 1st, 2006 at 11:22 am
Dear Gregor Samsa,
Funny post! However, I can’t really see you as a cockroach. Or Morgan Freeman playing God (Maybe Gene Hackman, though.)
August 1st, 2006 at 5:30 pm
Mary, I’ve never read the Metamorphosis, so I had to google “Gregor Samsa”! (I can be pretty ignorant sometimes.) Morgan Freeman did a satisfying job as God in Bruce Almighty, which I recommend, as does Kh. Frederica Mathewes-Green.
Theodora, it looks pretty certain that the feminine is “semper parata.” Semper apparently has no gender or is neuter — I cannot remember how adjectives work.
August 1st, 2006 at 8:53 pm
I saw one scene of “Bruce Almighty”– where Carrey lassoed the moon and caused a whole bunch of trouble.
I think Gene Hackman played the voice of God in the 1983 film “Two of a Kind”– I don’t think Kh. Matthews-Green would recommend it, even though Oliver Reed played the evil one. Cool theme song by Oliva Newton-John, though.
August 1st, 2006 at 9:46 pm
Thank you, Basil, that’s what I thought. I’m asking because my sister is in the CG and I think she should write a book entitled Semper Parata.
August 2nd, 2006 at 6:37 pm
Basil,
I did not grow up “in church,” and when I started attending church I found myself trying to escape evangelical Protestantism because of the culture of said forms of Christianity. Why I say that is that so many of my fellow Orthodox Christians are converts from evangelical Protestantism, and they naturally bring a little flavor from their former religious paths.
I don’t know about the particulars of this e-mail. It could be that God wants you to be a married priest, a monastic priest, a bishop (and therefore a monastic), or a non-ordained person who may or may not be married. In short, I have no idea what God’s will is for your life, nor would I claim to know such. That being said, this particular post represents a worldview that is common among many of my fellow Christians (Orthodox and evangelical Protestant, and maybe others for all I know). I cannot put my finger on why it bothers me, but something certainly bothers me about it.
I’m not meaning to be critical of you, but I do wish I knew why this bothers me so much. I don’t know.
August 3rd, 2006 at 9:12 pm
James: Well, if this post represents a worldview, it is that God is a terrorist. That’s probably what bothers you, I would imagine.
This is certainly not the worldview of Orthodox Christianity; it’s satire. It’s a sardonic expression of my pain, not a theological treatise. That’s why the category is “Personal” and not “Orthodoxy” or “Christianity” or even “Philosophy.”
I hope that clears up any (frightening) misconceptions.
August 4th, 2006 at 10:44 am
Basil,
No, my issue isn’t with God at all because I know He’s not a terrorist. No, my issue is with people and how I don’t understand the way people. I know that doesn’t clarify anything, but that’s because I’m still confused.