Kevin Basil
Howling at the Moon
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I know this complaint is futile, but I will lodge it again anyway.
Is it truly against the order of nature for a woman to make the first move? Perhaps it is because I was raised in a post-feminist society, but it seems to me that this particular inanity is completely arbitrary. Why, then, is it the last bit of chivalry to cling to our society?
I like chivalry, mind you; I was raised to respect ladies and show them deferrence. That’s the Southern boy in me. However, I think that stupid, arbitrary rules that put introverts at a distinct disadvantage should be reconsidered. In fact, perhaps it was my raisin’ that put me at so great a disadvantage here. A shy boy who scores 0 extroversion points in personality inventories, raised to show women every respect and deferrence, receives instructions from society at large that any indication that a boy likes a girl for anything other than her intellect is despicable — and even then, it’s suspect, because we all know what men really want. Is it any wonder that I’m still single at thirty-two?
So perhaps, the least women could do, now that I’m utterly ruined psychologically, is at least tell me when they’re interested. Just come out and say it. While I’m waiting for the blizzard in hades, I’ll work on doing the same myself. I promise not to hold my breath if the ladies promise not to hold theirs.
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12 Responses to “Howling at the Moon”
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October 19th, 2005 at 9:19 pm
So what if you’re an introvert and she’s an introvert and you’re both waiting on the rule of introversion to come into play rather than the rule of gender? Then what? Seems like, if there’s going to be a rule, it needs to be established on something less relative. Maybe it could be changed to: Whoever has the darkest hair will be the initiator. (Unless, of course, you’re in Scandanavia or Africa. Oh and then there’s the matter of hair dye and sun-bleaching to confuse things). Or how about: Whoever is taller will be the initiator (of course, that will almost always be the male). Hmmm… whoever is older? That will work if you know each other well enough or if you tatoo your birthday on your forearm. I’m just saying that if you want to avoid ambiguity then adding an ambiguous “rule” like introversion doesn’t seem to be the answer. Besides, I have a sneaky suspicion that this is more than just a “rule” for rules’ sake.
But, then again, I could be wrong.
Sorry that you’re frustrated, though.
October 19th, 2005 at 9:31 pm
Yes, if we’re both introverted, that will make for difficulty. However, complementarity suggests that introverts do best with someone who brings them out of their shell a bit.
And, yes, it’s frustrating. Mostly because I realized a few years ago that waiting for girls to ask me out was futile, even in our “liberated” society. (Of course, if I had a face like Brad and a body like Diesel, perhaps I’d have come to a different conclusion. But girls don’t like guys based on physical attributes, right?) And recently, I realized that it’s a little late to do something about it.
I shouldn’t have made all those jokes about MRS degrees in college.
October 19th, 2005 at 9:39 pm
Trust me, Basil, I know the laments of being the one given the task of waiting; being the responder.
FYI: Shyness and introversion have nothing to do with one another. Neither do extroversion or boldness.
October 19th, 2005 at 10:53 pm
Well, you’re probably more knowledgeable in this field than me, but a short web search on introversion and shyness indicates that they are distinct but often related. Introversion is a preference for solitary activities, and shyness is an inhibition in social settings. Though often appearing together, there is a statistically significant number of shy extroverts. Thank you for the correction that they are not identical or synonymous.
October 19th, 2005 at 11:08 pm
1. Basil, I’m not trying to be a jerk.
2. Introversion is not merely a preference for solitary activities. Introverion/Extroversion are a reference as to from where you draw your energy. The only reason it’s a big deal to me is that I’m often labeled as an extrovert in that I’m quite gregarious, socially capable, and often cast in social leadership roles but the truth of the matter is that I’m a rather intense introvert. Because of this people often make a lot of wrong assumptions about me. Beyond that, I find that what people often mistakenly label as extroversion is often social anxiety.
October 20th, 2005 at 11:03 am
On the other hand, Basil, I am a shy extrovert. I would rather be with people than by myself (although in my “old age” and after having 4 kids, I do find I enjoy some solitude), but I have to force myself to introduce myself to visitors at church, or have people I don’t know well over for dinner.
October 20th, 2005 at 4:17 pm
Basil,
How’s your eye?
October 20th, 2005 at 4:46 pm
Having been the first-move-maker on more than one occasion I can tell you that it’s not against the laws of nature. What it does take is some *tiny* indication on the move-ee’s part that such a move will be welcome. Two seconds of eye contact will do it, because most of us look away in less than one second — two to five seconds is flirtatious.
October 21st, 2005 at 3:43 pm
Hey Kevin,
Heaven’s sakes, don’t trouble yourself about it, man. Sure, I’ve gone through the ‘lonely guy’ suffering stuff, but it’s part of the process. I believe that the ‘deepening of the soul’ is a very important thing. I’m happily married now, and I fully understand the torture and loneliness I went through was preparatory to my thankfulness today.
One of the blessings post-marriage is that you no longer have to suffer in trying to understand the ‘other’ any more, nor do you have to use your bright mind and probing intellect to try and ‘understand’ what is basically crazy anyway…today’s relationship environment. You already understand the most important part of it: it’s crazy and there’s no understanding it!
Speaking as a man, and as an older man now, I can look back and see/feel some real mistakes about relationships in my own life; namely, I could have spared myself a lot of grief had I simply endeavored to keep peace in my own soul (with myself) and had considered my personal dignity/self-respect a little more important. Lastly, and most importantly, once again I see I suffered because I didn’t put my faith in God.
My Southern upbringing too gave me a special respect for women; women today who would find some reason to denigrate that aren’t really on my ‘potential relationship’ list anyway. And a woman you will eventually find will appreciate your respect! As for me, it’s no mystery to me now that I didn’t find Her until I had the Orthodox understanding of ‘marriage as martyrdom’. In my case, I’m proof-positive that God indeed has mercy for stubborn fools!
In the end, take a deep breath, don’t trouble yourself unduly, delight in the attendance towards Godly things and enjoy/appreciate your current ‘unboundness’. You might not always have it! â€
November 10th, 2005 at 1:49 pm
Maybe I mised something, but what happened to Amy (or whas it Emily)? I thought you were in a relationship? (Your question is valid either way, of course)
November 14th, 2005 at 1:21 pm
Hello Basil. Just checking in with your blog & found this post. I’d like to comment, because I’ve had personal experience of you. I hope you will only take my comments as I’ve intended them, as an elucidation of my respect for you & interest in you as a person. If I wasn’t already married, I’d be at liberty to be seriously taken with you.
Your quietness & reticence are very attractive. It is like the woman wearing the veil…not all is revealed immediately & there is a sense of mystery…& one can, if they are of like mind, be naturally drawn in by that. But there also comes a time to reveal…you don’t have to do it all at once, but to begin to reveal one’s other facets, some of which are definitely more lively & outspoken in relaxed company, is a good thing to do…it adds a great deal of spontaneous warmth to an interaction. And it takes the risk…of beginning to expose who you really are to another. And that’s very attractive too.
Hope you are doing well. George & I are moving up to Barre, Vermont on the 20th November. Things have been pretty busy, but let’s stay in touch.
November 14th, 2005 at 5:16 pm
Karl: yeah. I just didn’t say it loudly.
Johanna: thank you.